It was difficult to decide on a topic for this post. Sometimes the words just come to me – I know what I want to write about, and it’s easy to sum it up. Other times, I have no such luck. Sometimes my thoughts are little less tangible, a little less concrete.
There are times when I feel I’ve been able to really, truly, objectively analyse myself. I like to think I’m quite aware of my fault and my flaws. I don’t pretend to be perfect, but there are times when I feel like a passenger in my own body. I can see the regret I’m about to cause myself from certain decisions, and yet… I can’t seem to stop myself.
I’ve still got a choice. When it comes down to it, I can choose to, say, exercise (which intellectually I know will make me happy and fulfilled) or play computer games (which will reduce my anxiety in the short term, but increase my anxiety AND stress when I realise I’ve wasted too much time on it).
Every hour of every day, I’m constantly faced with decisions. Some are fairly inconsequential. Some are a tad bit more important. Due to my anxiety, I tend to get a lot of things confused. The unimportant becomes do or die, but I’m so exhausted from doing so many ‘do or die’ things that I get halfway through a list of them and give up.
Choice is what it comes down to. There are many paths to take, and ultimately I have to choose what I want for my future. Many of these choices I have boil down to two options, in the end. I can choose to waste time, to feed my illness, or I can choose to be happy.
Choosing to be happy does not mean that life will be filled with endless pleasures. Oftentimes there is a lot of pain and difficulty involved. I frequently remind myself of the contentedness that I experience when I can look at my to-do list and see that I’ve ticked every box.
My best weapon in the daily fight against my own mind is the knowledge that happiness is a choice. It doesn’t mean that every day will be filled with pleasure. The road to true happiness is often plagued with difficulties. When it comes down to it, though, I have to choose to do things that I know will contribute to my happiness, every day. It’s an endless battle, but one that I feel confident I’m making progress in.
It’s worth it at the end of the day – like I said – to have that feeling of contentedness. That’s how I know when I’m making the right choice in my personal health. This is a path I’ve walked before. Every time I slip off, I know that next time around, I’ll have the advantage of knowing the terrain that little better.
After all – I’ve been here before.