Today, I feel happy.
This shouldn’t be such a statement, but considering many of the people I encounter, both face to face and online, I feel like it’s a far rarer phrase than many might otherwise expect.
Last Thursday, I can admit to being a little anxious before I went to see my psychologist. Not because I feared our sessions, but because I was racking my brains for something to talk about. As with previous sessions, I naturally found something to mention, but it wasn’t about my problems so much as it was about me reporting on the things that had been going right in my life.
My suspicions were confirmed at the end of the appointment when my psych said something along the lines of ‘I think you’re doing really well. Let’s meet in six weeks to see how things are going.’
This led to mixed emotions for me. On one hand, I was somewhat relieved that I was making the progress I believed I had been. On the other… what if everything goes downhill the day I stop seeing my psych entirely?
I might be getting a little ahead of myself. After all, it’s only been a few days since I saw my psych now, and the two weeks before that appointment were virtually carefree. I came to realise that I am currently faced with a circumstance so novel and unfamiliar that I mistook it for another problem.
There’s nothing wrong.
Well, nothing major, at least. I’m not in deep distress about anything. My life isn’t a long series of mental labours just to get out of bed, to get to work, to go out and socialise. For the first time in a while, I’m doing exceptionally well. It’s weird. It feels like it doesn’t suit me.
Make no mistake – I’m not complaining. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time. But it demonstrates how comfortable a negative head space can become. I’m fortunate in that I began this most recent mental battle with plenty of support around me. I’m fortunate in that I was able to get through it without major impacts on my friends and family (though I’d say many of them are used to a certain degree of patience concerning my antics!).
Not everyone is so lucky. If you’re struggling, if you’re in need, if you don’t know where to go, please contact a psychologist. If that’s not possible under the circumstances, reach out to a loved one. I’ve long lived in doubt and solitude about many of my problems, but all that did was consign me to suffering in silence. Talk to someone. If nothing else, you can talk to me. If you want me to write something that you think might help, I’d be happy to.
Whatever you do, don’t say silent. Speak.